No. More. Cancer

I decided to post a blog about my dear friend Sarah. I know several of you have followed her story through my Facebook, Twitter, and through SCARS and Bare It All on this blog. I also had a discussion with a dear friend who said "memories fade, story's get distorted but black and white is forever". I never, ever want to forget a single moment of my friendship with Sarah.
I am no where near a novelist, or author. I over use commas, and may have made grammatical errors...but these stories have been written by my heart. Sarah White wrote on my soul with her smile, love, and laughter. Here's why...

Like most of you, I am a Facebook junkie. I love reading people's drama, looking at a million pictures of the same people's kids over and over, and to stalk people who don't have a private page. (Don't judge me, I know most of you do the same thing) A couple of years ago I had been stalking "Sarah White". She was a former school mates wife that had been diagnosed with cancer. I knew they had two kids, and I knew that she was entirely too cute for Brian White. Just kidding...sorta. I also knew her prognosis wasn't good.

 I noticed that Sarah and I had a lot of mutual friends, and she had previously "liked" some wall posts I had put on a friend's wall. It was obvious she had a good sense of humor. I decided to send her a friend request...a simple friend request was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I expected to see a lot of sadness on Sarah's wall, instead, I saw bravery. I expected to see a woman that was sick and pitiful, instead I saw a sky diving diva who wore the words "I SCARE CANCER" on her diving helmet. Sarah White was NOTHING as I expected. She was what I would later find out to be one of the most extraordinary people I've ever met.   

Sarah and I began a friendship that isn't like most, and we both laughed when people would ask us how we knew each other. Our dinner dates were always to Applebee's which we both shared an uncanny love for. We would always share a Cookie Sundae and even when the chemo would chase away her appetite, she would still force down at least one bite. She was quiet and kind, I am loud and sassy. She was tiny and magnificent, I'm kinda chunky and usually bossy. Opposites attract, even in friendship.

I never treated Sarah like she had cancer, I think that was one of the things she loved about me the most. She had a HUGE support group of people who cared for her, and most of the time I let the worry come from them. For instance, no matter where we were, I would park the car away from our destination and make her walk. I'd tell her that her legs didn't have cancer, and she'd laugh and walk with a smile. When she'd take chemo and lose too much weight, I'd tell her how jealous I was of her ability to see her hip bones.  I haven't seen my hips or ribs in years. I'd bring random gifts every time I'd come to visit, and always announce "Happy Birthday" when I'd enter the room. It was my way of making up for birthday's I had missed, or maybe just knowing that every pretend birthday could be her last. I brought things like Silly String, Jelly Belly's, sexy slippers, iTunes cards, or Coke and Pop Rocks for the kids. Anything I thought would make her forget for one millisecond, that she was sick. Even one second of randomness that reminded her to smile, and laugh was always worth it. I always left her with a hug, and a reminder to kick that cancer's ass, and she'd always promise she would. She was extraordinary.

When Sarah was in STL hospital the last time, I decided I needed to see her. I figured she had been in there for several days, she could use some comic relief. I entered the room with a bag of goodies, announce "Happy Birthday" (which I'm pretty sure her Dad still thinks I should be medicated) and we laugh and talk about all the cool narcotics she's was taking. After an hour or so, I mentioned that she could use some blush or lip gloss because she looked like hell. Of course I was teasing she was radiant even battling cancer. A few minutes later she got up, with her walker, went to the sink and put on lip gloss and blush. I laughed so hard at her attempt. The next thing I know she shuffles her walker over to Brian, and gives him a kiss. Laughingly, he asks her what she's doing, and as she started back to bed, she says with a wink "no since in wasting all this hotness"...THAT was our Sarah. THAT is why we love her so much.

Through our friendship Sarah taught me several things:

Never give up. Ever.
Even on her death bed, she fought until her last breath.

Being afraid is okay.
Sarah wasn't afraid of dying. Sarah was afraid of leaving everyone behind. She knew she was our rock. She knew her C-Fight attitude and super brilliant smile was the glue that kept her family, friends and everyone who loved her together. She knew, even in the end, that she radiated strength that we all soaked up from her.

Never take one single second for granted.
She lived life. Even when the fractures in her spine from the massive tumors would leave her in intense pain, if she could bare ONE more minute in the floor with her children, she would stay in that floor.

Never go into battle without the power of prayer.
Sarah never made religion "cheesy", she made it real. Her relationship with God was real. When I was so angry and asked her how God could take her from us, she smiled and told me "he has something better lined out for me." That's faith. I picture her in heaven eating Peachy-O's, telling on me for cheating on Words With Friends, and telling others how wonderful her life was. Sarah was the most positive person I've ever met. God knew she was too good for this earth for long. I agree.

You CAN drink beer while on chemo.
I argued this with her on my birthday last year when we were in STL, I said "no", Sarah said "watch me". We toasted my 32nd birthday together.


Sarah White left this world on January 23, 2012. After years of fighting, rounds of chemo, pain, surgery after surgery, procedures, stitches, staples, medicine and fractured bones from tumors growing into her spine.
Sarah White won. She won her battle with cancer.
She crossed the finish line of life beaten, battered, bruised and exhausted at the throne of God...Sarah White left this world all used up. She won.

This is what I posted the day of Sarah's funeral, and I still feel the same:

I'm not saying goodbye to Sarah, I'm saying goodbye to her tiny, cancer ridden body.  I'm saying goodbye to her cancer, her tumors, the chemo, and medications. I'm not burying my friend, I'm burying her sadness, pain, and suffering. My Sarah isn't dead, her body is dead. My Sarah is alive, she is alive in my heart, and the hearts of everyone who loved her. Her touch on my life and her impact on my soul is alive and well.

I love you Sarah, save me a seat. I'll bring the lip gloss.  

No. More. Cancer

"To Whom It May or May Not Concern"

So this thing says my last blog post was sometime around Thanksgiving but it feels like 6 months. I have had several inquiries on "when I am going to post another blog", "why haven't you posted anything", " the blog isn't current" blah, blah, blah. There are two truths to the reason I haven't blogged in a while and, against my better judgement, I am going to take the classy route instead of the white trash route in explaining my feelings.

1) I have been super busy (and blessed) with doing lots of part time photography.
2) I was a little discouraged by some things people were saying. Granted, I am a smart ass, say what's on her mind kind of girl, and you wouldn't think things would get to me.  Most things don't, HOWEVER, questioning my value as a person and reason behind my actions of the heart DO! I am setting the record straight RIGHT NOW...I am in NO way trying to be something I am not.What I do for people is what I want to do for people. Putting things on Facebook is a public challenge for others to step up and do for others as well.  I still burp like a trucker, fart like a man, cuss like a sailor, and ask for forgiveness for it all daily. I am a human being like everyone else that makes mistakes, says things she shouldn't and probably hurts peoples feelings doing it, but no one is perfect, certainly not me.

Final Thought:
My Daddy says " I can't look at your ass and read your mind" Daddy is right, I can't fix it if you're telling everyone but me...If people would spend as much time building people up as they did trying to knock them down, the world would be a much better place.  



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The Pre-During & Post Eviction of Jo & Angela

The last time I blogged, it was the night before the big SURGERY. I honestly was scared out of my mind and had decided to pour my guts out to you people in hopes it would ease my worries, and it did. I felt better after all the comments of encouragement and well wishing, but here is the REST of the story, and the next day.

(If this is the first time you have read this blog, "Jo & Angela" are referring to the names of my uterine tumors....because everyone names their tumors right?)

I finished my blog and then went off to my bed with my trusty iPhone in hand to "tweet" the night away. I let my fellow "Tweeps" comfort me by talking about how much their lives suck...they totally rock at that! I  decide to call it a night so I take the TWO pills prescribed by Dr. Blah Blah at bedtime. The prescription read: Take two pills, with food, at bedtime. No problem, I took the two pills with some crackers and milk and drifted off to sleep.

Apparently I was resting well, because the next thing I remember was my mind waking me up saying "HEY, WAKE UP, YOU ARE SHITTING ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!" My mind was right. I race to the bathroom, clenching my cheeks and attempting to form a thought as I had been jolted into consciousness by my bowels. I sit down and I am seriously thinking I could die at this point. I pooped like I have NEVER pooped before in my life. I am talking sweat popping, leg shaking, toilet water splashing, poop. I pray..."Dear God, I am supposed to have surgery in *looks at clock* 3 hours, please don't let me die here on this pot."

I manage to stop crapping long enough to get my iPhone and pill bottle and I go back to the pot and do what any iPhone user would do, I google that shit and see if I am one of those rare side effect people that need to seek medical attention immediately. Unfortunately, no. The medication given to me to "soften my cervix" is also a medication for CHRONIC and SEVERE constipation. I poop, and poop, and poop. Then I poop some more. About an hours worth of colon cleansing and I am finally able to lay down and go back to sleep for a few hours.

 RX: Cytotec

 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000886

Morning arrives again, and I get ready for the big day. Ok, so it was a same day surgery, but it was BIG to me. I get to the hospital and I am taken back to the pre-op area when I kindly ask Dr. Blah Blah's nurse if she realizes that they prescribed me a "SHIT MY GUTS OUT UNTIL I THOUGHT MY RECTUM WOULD EXPLODE" pill. She was familiar with the side effects...of course, this is the humor, the irony, the Jamie-Esq of life. Ehhhhhhhhh

I.V. is started, medication given, time for a photo op...

of an I.V. pole? Sorry I was wonky....

Apparently I actually HAVE the surgery but honestly I don't have any idea, according to the bill, that is a definite! I wake up with a nurse on each side of me, I want a Diet Mountain Dew and I want it now. I have one waiting for me once I am cleared from recovery. Dr. Blah Blah had told my husband everything went wonderfully, and that everything "looked" fine. The tumors were sent off to pathology and I would have a follow up appt in two weeks.

 Left:  "Endometrial masses" in question.

Right: Mass free, post DNC. 

Recovery for me was pretty easy. My doctor said I could have up to two weeks off, I took off 3 days. My A.D.D and O.C.D would NOT allow me to sit in the bed ONE MORE DAY! Day time T.V. still sucks and I have 400-ish channels. Here is what being home during the work week has taught me...

1) Rachel Ray stopped cooking and has a "talk show", stop it Rachel, just stop it.

2) Barbara Walters is STILL alive.

3) Apparently Bob Barker has been eaten by Drew Carey as he is now the host of  "The Price Is Right".

I had minimal pain, just some cramping and very light bleeding ( I know you men don't care, but it's MY blog and I'll type what I want). Everything went pretty smoothly and I got lots of "surgery presents" and treats brought to me by family and friends. Well, friends...my Dad brought wine, he loves me the most, clearly.

Fast forward two more weeks and yesterday I go to the FINAL check up. I do what any nervous woman does, Tweet, and take pictures of myself.

Look! My halo...

I really thought I was doing pretty good hiding the fact that I was REALLY, REALLY tired of people looking at my vagina. I even told the front desk lady that, though she was charming and wonderful, I really hoped I wouldn't be seeing them again after this appointment. 

I'm lead back by the nurse and as she walks me into the room I stop her. "Oh, I am in the wrong room?" I explain. *Puzzled look by the nurse* I point at the gown laying on the exam table. "I am just here for a follow up." I say confidently. "Dr. Blah Blah does a pelvic on all her post-ops so I'll need you to undress from the waist down."she says smiling. "WHY is it that I NEVER know what is going to happen to me here? You would think you people could give a little heads up? Do you know what a trans-vag ultrasound is?" I was a little irritated and she started to interrupt me, she failed. "What if I had decided NOT to wash my ass today? I DID wash my ass today, but what if today I just hadn't had time...." She laughed, (SHE wasn't doing the exam) and apologized. Once again I get naked, and once again Dr. Blah Blah works her magic on mah lady parts. This time though she tells me everything came back NEGATIVE!!!! NO CANCER!!!! They were a couple of polyps, and I didn't have to come back until my pap next year. Thank God! I could have done cart wheels, well, as soon as I put my drawers back on. It's finally O-V-E-R!

Final Thought: 

Sometimes I guess God gives us little reminders of how precious life can really be. This experience has done several things for me. 

1) Reminded me how strong of a woman I am. 

2) Reminded me HOW many people really love me. 

3) How many people really don't care one way or the other about me. 

4) There are good people in this world and 99% of them live in my home town. 

I have a very small family, but a HUGE friend-family that has taken care of me mentally, emotionally and physically through this ordeal. I hope that in some way, someday I can thank each and every one of you in a special and personal way, because without you all "Cancer Scare 2010" could have been so much worse. Now, let's all pray I NEVER, EVER, EVER have to talk about my vagina or it's contents EVER again! 

XOXO

Xanax & Xylophone

Ok, I can't mislead you all, there is no Xylophone mentioned in this post, but I couldn't think of a catchy name...actually my brain is completely fried from today's Dr.'s visits. That's right, plural. I had to see my gyno and the anesthesiologist today. The gyno for my prescriptions and discussion of risks and procedure, and the other dude to explain all the risks of anesthesiology. Let's start with the beginning of my day shall we...


I head to the doctors office this morning feeling pretty good about getting this over with. It's about a 50 minute drive so I listen to the radio like I always do, well sorta. This time, as I listen to the songs coming out of the radio my mind starts changing the lyrics to fit my current condition. I'll explain...


"Big Ol' Jet Had a Tumor"

"Love the Way You Lie (in my uterus)"

"Sex On Fire" (I left that one, but the meaning would be literal)

and finally....

"Ridin' Solo" which is what my uterus will be doing tomorrow about 1100 am once the tumors are removed.


Surprisingly, nothing exciting happens in the waiting room and I am directed to my room quickly. I am seated and shortly Dr. Blah Blah comes in smiling and ready to take on my OCD...she knows it's coming...I can tell.
I get straight to the point..."

"Here are my lists of do's and dont's"

1) Do not let anyone unnecessarily see my vagina. 

2) Please put me out and put my legs in the stirrups yourself, I have done it enough. 

3) Clean all of that crap out so I can miss a period, k?

4) Don't nick my bowel.

5) Any extra maintenance you want to do to "spruce up" the place, is always welcome. 

6) I've watched enough Grey's Anatomy to know that you people talk about random shit in the O.R., take notes, and leave them for me upon my waking.  

*This is a screen shot of my "Notes App". I <3 my iPhone.* 

That went well I thought....the women CLEARLY needs to charge more for my appointments.

Instead of going into great detail about the way I have been feeling today, I decided just to include photos.

Exhibit A) 

Me being scared shitless. 

Exhibit B) 

The face I made when they put in the "trans-vag-ultrasound" wand.

Exhibit C)

 How I will feel when this is ALL over!

Tomorrow is the big day, I will be having a DNC, and a resection of 2 endometrial masses. That basically means they are going to clean out my uterus with a squeegee and remove a couple of tumor-mass things that we have NO idea what the hell they are...not thrilled, but I have no choice. Originally we were told that I would be able to have the hysterectomy the same time if they came back cancer. That is not the case now. If it comes back cancerous I will have to schedule with an oncologist. She says the post op risks are less and recovery is better when done by a cancer doctor. So, tomorrow I drive 50 miles, have my "giney" all cleaned out and get this show on the road. Either I'll be fine, or I'll still be fine...just with less lady parts. Thanks to everyone who has been concerned, I am thankful for each and every one of you. I have great friends and family. Those of you on my text list tomorrow...expect pictures! ;)


Love and Hugs to you all!
XOXO