No. More. Cancer

I decided to post a blog about my dear friend Sarah. I know several of you have followed her story through my Facebook, Twitter, and through SCARS and Bare It All on this blog. I also had a discussion with a dear friend who said "memories fade, story's get distorted but black and white is forever". I never, ever want to forget a single moment of my friendship with Sarah.
I am no where near a novelist, or author. I over use commas, and may have made grammatical errors...but these stories have been written by my heart. Sarah White wrote on my soul with her smile, love, and laughter. Here's why...

Like most of you, I am a Facebook junkie. I love reading people's drama, looking at a million pictures of the same people's kids over and over, and to stalk people who don't have a private page. (Don't judge me, I know most of you do the same thing) A couple of years ago I had been stalking "Sarah White". She was a former school mates wife that had been diagnosed with cancer. I knew they had two kids, and I knew that she was entirely too cute for Brian White. Just kidding...sorta. I also knew her prognosis wasn't good.

 I noticed that Sarah and I had a lot of mutual friends, and she had previously "liked" some wall posts I had put on a friend's wall. It was obvious she had a good sense of humor. I decided to send her a friend request...a simple friend request was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I expected to see a lot of sadness on Sarah's wall, instead, I saw bravery. I expected to see a woman that was sick and pitiful, instead I saw a sky diving diva who wore the words "I SCARE CANCER" on her diving helmet. Sarah White was NOTHING as I expected. She was what I would later find out to be one of the most extraordinary people I've ever met.   

Sarah and I began a friendship that isn't like most, and we both laughed when people would ask us how we knew each other. Our dinner dates were always to Applebee's which we both shared an uncanny love for. We would always share a Cookie Sundae and even when the chemo would chase away her appetite, she would still force down at least one bite. She was quiet and kind, I am loud and sassy. She was tiny and magnificent, I'm kinda chunky and usually bossy. Opposites attract, even in friendship.

I never treated Sarah like she had cancer, I think that was one of the things she loved about me the most. She had a HUGE support group of people who cared for her, and most of the time I let the worry come from them. For instance, no matter where we were, I would park the car away from our destination and make her walk. I'd tell her that her legs didn't have cancer, and she'd laugh and walk with a smile. When she'd take chemo and lose too much weight, I'd tell her how jealous I was of her ability to see her hip bones.  I haven't seen my hips or ribs in years. I'd bring random gifts every time I'd come to visit, and always announce "Happy Birthday" when I'd enter the room. It was my way of making up for birthday's I had missed, or maybe just knowing that every pretend birthday could be her last. I brought things like Silly String, Jelly Belly's, sexy slippers, iTunes cards, or Coke and Pop Rocks for the kids. Anything I thought would make her forget for one millisecond, that she was sick. Even one second of randomness that reminded her to smile, and laugh was always worth it. I always left her with a hug, and a reminder to kick that cancer's ass, and she'd always promise she would. She was extraordinary.

When Sarah was in STL hospital the last time, I decided I needed to see her. I figured she had been in there for several days, she could use some comic relief. I entered the room with a bag of goodies, announce "Happy Birthday" (which I'm pretty sure her Dad still thinks I should be medicated) and we laugh and talk about all the cool narcotics she's was taking. After an hour or so, I mentioned that she could use some blush or lip gloss because she looked like hell. Of course I was teasing she was radiant even battling cancer. A few minutes later she got up, with her walker, went to the sink and put on lip gloss and blush. I laughed so hard at her attempt. The next thing I know she shuffles her walker over to Brian, and gives him a kiss. Laughingly, he asks her what she's doing, and as she started back to bed, she says with a wink "no since in wasting all this hotness"...THAT was our Sarah. THAT is why we love her so much.

Through our friendship Sarah taught me several things:

Never give up. Ever.
Even on her death bed, she fought until her last breath.

Being afraid is okay.
Sarah wasn't afraid of dying. Sarah was afraid of leaving everyone behind. She knew she was our rock. She knew her C-Fight attitude and super brilliant smile was the glue that kept her family, friends and everyone who loved her together. She knew, even in the end, that she radiated strength that we all soaked up from her.

Never take one single second for granted.
She lived life. Even when the fractures in her spine from the massive tumors would leave her in intense pain, if she could bare ONE more minute in the floor with her children, she would stay in that floor.

Never go into battle without the power of prayer.
Sarah never made religion "cheesy", she made it real. Her relationship with God was real. When I was so angry and asked her how God could take her from us, she smiled and told me "he has something better lined out for me." That's faith. I picture her in heaven eating Peachy-O's, telling on me for cheating on Words With Friends, and telling others how wonderful her life was. Sarah was the most positive person I've ever met. God knew she was too good for this earth for long. I agree.

You CAN drink beer while on chemo.
I argued this with her on my birthday last year when we were in STL, I said "no", Sarah said "watch me". We toasted my 32nd birthday together.


Sarah White left this world on January 23, 2012. After years of fighting, rounds of chemo, pain, surgery after surgery, procedures, stitches, staples, medicine and fractured bones from tumors growing into her spine.
Sarah White won. She won her battle with cancer.
She crossed the finish line of life beaten, battered, bruised and exhausted at the throne of God...Sarah White left this world all used up. She won.

This is what I posted the day of Sarah's funeral, and I still feel the same:

I'm not saying goodbye to Sarah, I'm saying goodbye to her tiny, cancer ridden body.  I'm saying goodbye to her cancer, her tumors, the chemo, and medications. I'm not burying my friend, I'm burying her sadness, pain, and suffering. My Sarah isn't dead, her body is dead. My Sarah is alive, she is alive in my heart, and the hearts of everyone who loved her. Her touch on my life and her impact on my soul is alive and well.

I love you Sarah, save me a seat. I'll bring the lip gloss.  

No. More. Cancer

"SCARS" Part II

If you haven't read "SCARS", my previous post, then this won't make NEARLY as much sense.

http://whygodmademefunny.blogspot.com/2010/10/scars.html 

After viewing "The Scar Project", I got inspired. "Inspired" is really not a big enough descriptive word, I had a FIRE lit in me. After viewing the women showcased in "The Scar Project", my mind started going over so many things that leave scars on the hearts of women. Outside scars are only a portion of what makes us who we are. Scars that we carry on the inside are never asked about. They aren't visible to prompt someone to ask "hey, what happened?" Women of all ages carry scars, stories, burdens, pain, sorrow, recovery, healing, and triumph that no one ever sees.

http://www.thescarproject.org/home.html

That all changes today...at least here...and at least for these few ladies that were chosen to take part in my wacky idea. THESE women inspire me. THESE women make me want to shout from the rooftop, NO matter what you've been through, NO matter what pain you are going through, someone, somewhere can share it with you. We all have scars, and we all have a story. None of these women are asking for pity. They are women who have overcame and want to share their courage in hopes that this may touch someones life. I believe that when you tell your story and show you scar, that you are letting a little of the pain go. These images are to inspire you and to help you embrace the scars that make you....You.

To be fair, I am going to start with me... 

At 9 months old, my father left with me and took me away from a drug addicted mother. I have not seen her since. I would have had a sister 13 months younger than me but she died due to complications from my mothers drug addiction. At age 17 I became pregnant. After 29 hours of labor and an emergency c-section, I gave birth to the one and only child I would ever be able to have.

In 1976, at age 5, Angela was in a car accident and watched her mother and 4 year old sister die. She was sent to live with her grandparents. Her father remarried and had two sons. In 1998 Angela's brother was also killed in a car crash. She is now helping her father who has terminal cancer.

In 2008 Amy was 38 weeks pregnant and having constant contraction so she went to the emergency department. They told her everything was fine and sent her home. A doctors visit later that week confirmed that the pregnancy was right on point.  The following Saturday Amy, in full blown labor, again went to the emergency department. The doctor informed her they were unable to detect a heart beat. William was born and went to heaven that same day. 

Along with  a tattered childhood, Shelly gave birth to her daughter at age 15. Dropped out of high school to care for her daughter, she was uneducated and potentially headed down a path of destruction. 10 years later Shelly has married, gotten her GED and is enrolled in college courses. 

For three years Ashley and her husband tried to get pregnant. They spent time, money and heart for their dreams of parenthood. After a heartbreaking miscarriage she has decided to stop fertility methods. Ashley is now trying to adopt a child from Russia. 

Misti's life has been filled with heartbreak and loss. Primarily raised by her grandparents, Misti held her grandfather as he passed away from lung cancer. She says his death has impacted her more than anything in her life.

Jennifer has several battle scars from the same enemy...cancer. Her mother, grandmother, father, 3 great uncles, an uncle and an aunt have all fought cancer. All three great uncles, an aunt and an uncle lost their battle. Jennifer is now a vital part of the Relay For Life.

  

In January 2009, Trisha found out she had cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and began a fight where she ultimately became triumphant. After a year long battle including, chemotherapy, radiation, fatigue, hair loss and emotional strain, in February of 2010 she was told she was cancer free. 

 In 2002 Trina's brother died from cancer. A month later her daughter was born after an emergency c-section. Losing her brother and knowing he never got to meet her daughter are two of the hardest things that forever changed her life.

Eva suffered abuse from her alcoholic father starting at the age of three. The abuse was so severe at times, she actually hid under the bed in an attempt to avoid it. As an adult she confronted her father and has made peace with both the abuse and her abuser. He passed away in 2001.

August 1, 2007 Michele lost a child during pregnancy. January 18, 2008 tragedy struck again, and again she miscarried. The pain of losing her unborn children and the "what-if's" of their little lives has left an empty place in her heart. Michele has 4 children, 2 in heaven and 2 God has chosen for her to raise. Someday, she says, they will all be together.

In 2004 Jana was diagnosed with breast cancer. Even after 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 37 radiation treatments, and losing her hair Jana never lost her faith, or support from family and friends. Jana is cancer free.

In April of 2008 Sarah was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon cancer. Her son was 20 months, her daughter 5 weeks old when, then 28 year old Sarah, got the news. After a colon resection, liver resection, abdominal surgery and rounds and rounds of chemotherapy she has beat odds that were given to her two years ago. She is still battling cancer today.

It wasn't until Sara was an adult with children of her own,  that she decided she wanted to meet her biological father. She had been raised well by her stepfather but wanted to give the man she had never met a chance at finding a place in her heart. She now has a relationship with her biological father and Sara is certain God knew what he was doing.

Kristi struggled with a meth addiction from the age of 17 to 33. She has been homeless, jobless and hopeless. Her children were taken away from her twice with the understanding that the third time would be permanent. Kristi has been clean for a year.

Sandy was diagnosed with Stage III ovarian cancer in 1997 at the age of 47. She began chemotherapy and the fight of her life. She has been in remission since 1998.

When Kelly was 2 days old her father died from colon cancer. In 2003 her mother died of lung cancer and her mother in law from a brain tumor in 2004. She is a vital part in the "Sarah C-Fight White" fund raising and a main part of Sarah's daily cancer battle. In September her brother was diagnosed with colon cancer. 

 Nikki's scars started at an early age, with the absence of both parents. Then a life changing pregnancy, almost losing her premature son and later almost losing her daughter, Nikki's life was a roller coaster of continuous hurt. She contributes the healing of wounds to the strength of her children and the woman they have made her into.

Though only a small child when Whitney's sister Emily passed away, there has always been a sense of loss in her heart. Now that she has a  daughter of her own, she understands, even more, the pain felt by her parents. There is now a scar, were she suffered a wound so young by the loss of a sister she would never get to know. 

Melissa, like so many women, have multiple scars from a life of tragic events. She's been degraded, abused, and made to feel like she wasn't "worth" the love of others. The pain of never feeling good enough and learning to trust again has been hard, but through the relationship with her husband Larry, her wounds are finally beginning to heal. 

Patty suffered sexual abuse as a child from someone she was taught to trust. This has effected her relationships, caused problems with self esteem and intensified her already introverted personality. It wasn't until being a part of the SCARS segments of this blog that Pat made peace, forgave and is turning her wounds into a healing. 

Faye was diagnosed with Stage 1, Grade 3, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on March 9th, 2009. She fought the cancer with chemotherapy and radiation but most importantly with her will to live, strong faith, and the support of her family and friends. Though the cancer caused fatigue, hair loss, emotional and physical exhaustion, she won her battle, Faye is cancer free.

Tara began her journey through meth addiction as a young woman. In an attempt to straighten out her life she joined the USAF at age 19. She was taken advantage of my a fellow airman and out of shame, discharged for medical reasons. Again she turned to drugs. Tara feels that God has kept her safe as she walked the "belly of hell" through her addiction because she would eventually use her past as a teaching tool for young drug abusers. Tara has been clean for ten years.

Final Thought:

I have been working on this post off and on for almost a year now. Once again, when I try to do something nice for someone else, it blesses me ten fold. I cant even begin to express my admiration for the women who have bared there hearts and souls to others in hopes that their story may impact them in a positive way. If you will notice all these women have been photographed in front of brick. This is 

symbolic to the walls that we women create when we have been hurt. These women, these wonderful strong women, are standing in FRONT of their walls so that their story, and their pain may bring you a little peace.