Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"Do You Have Any Questions"

Ok ladies, this blog is intended for you. Men, you should pretend to click the exit tab, but actually continue reading because it might give you just a tad of incite on what we have to go through. 

I've gone to the same gynecologist for the last 14 years and I have been totally happy with who I was using. My husband and I are now sure we do NOT want any more children and I decided on a female doctor for more of the gyno part.Though I am not real keen on adding yet ANOTHER person that can say they've seen my vagina, I feel that I am needing a change and decided on the new fancy Women Care Center.

"*** Care For Women, this is blah, blah can I help you" says this very sweet woman on the phone. "Yes, I am wanting to make a new patient appt for a yearly pap smear" I say pleasantly. "Ok, hun here's some info..." she continues to give me the web site that I am supposed to complete my patient info and submit before my appointment. "Snazzy" I think to myself, as I'm considered QUITE the techie and this will be right up my alley. I log on...

Question 1: Periods...describe, blah blah no biggie

Question 2-16: Normal gyno questions about periods, child birth and so forth, no biggie

Question 17: How many sexual partners have you had? *gasps* How does looking at my cervix and checking me for lumps have anything to do with my sexual partners OR lack thereof, I am appalled! Ok, really not "appalled" per say, but I am not comfortable telling this computer how many people I've been with, besides I'd have to call my bff for a second opinion.

Question 18: Are you sexually satisfied and if not would you like to discuss with your physician?
I faint, regain consciousness and collect myself. WHAT THE HELL!!!! First of all if I'm NOT satisfied I am going to leave my husbands contact info and you can discuss it with him, he's clearly the issue. Secondly, I just want you to check my vagina for cancer, that's all. No therapy, sex questions, condom questions. NO, just look at my lovely lady parts and I will be on my way. This has to get better...

Question 19: At what age did you become sexually active?...I lie

Question 20: Do you prefer men, women, or both? Men

Question 21: Do you understand and protect yourself from STD's? Yes, I own a shot gun and will kill the source if one is ever detected.

Question 22: Do you have multiple partners?
Ok, this is just weird, I am a married women, I have 3 kids, I don't sleep around, chase lesbians or have crotch critters. I just need a doctor to check my parts and be done where is THAT question....

Finally the last question before I log off...

Question 23: Do you find yourself sexually adequate? That's it, I'd rather try my luck at chemo...


Final Thought:

What ever happened to this being a discreet thing that women discuss in person with their doctor. I understand that we are all "comfortable with our bodies" these days and in the age of "healthy sex" thanks to Berman and Berman but here is the deal. All that "crap" and all those "questions" can be summed up at the end of the visit...after the pap is over and the paper gown is closed the Dr says "Do you have any questions?" THAT, is when I can chose to discuss my lesbian lovers herpie problem I've had since I lost my virginity at 13 with the football team" not in a 6 page interview process online...

P.S. My appointment is Friday...stay tuned!

5 comments:

Annette said...

Great stuff!!! Love your blog!!

Stacey said...

I think you should have answered the questions online, as you did above!! That would have been hilarious!

bsmith said...

Hey!! I've taken that test to! And for some reason they wouldn't take me...Nah! Just kidding!

Wendybird said...

Oh my!!! This really had me cracking up. I am not ashamed to admit if it was me that had this form to fill out I would have been weirded out too but since it wasn't me I can enjoy the funny of it. Curious to hear what you said to the people in the office when you go.

Julie said...

Ok Jamie, I couldn't help myself and had to read these to the girls at work. I think this will now be are weekly ritual for work. Thanks for keeping us entertained!