Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Physicians & Transmissions

About three weeks ago I put my vehicle in the shop for some repairs. My husband and I have been back and forth with the dealership for almost three weeks about what was wrong, how to fix it, and how much it would cost to fix it. We decided to have the complete transmission replaced so that it would be under warranty. I would expect it to be finished on Friday and would be able to pick it up then. The service guy had quoted us $2400.00 for a new transmission including 100,000 mile warranty. Sucks, but it will be paid off in March and I didn't want a new vehicle. Now, before I start this conversation dialog remember folks, I am NOT a medicated woman...

I walk in the dealership and announce myself with "Hey guys, I'm the bitch with the Envoy!"  I'm sure that's what they had been referring to me behind my back so I thought I'd stump them with a little reverse psychology! A very sweet lady calls the service tech to the front to speak with me.

Service Guy: "Well, how much do you think it's gonna cost ya?", holding up a piece of paper and peeking from the top like a 2nd grader.

Me: "$2400.00!" I say sternly. "That's what we discussed on the phone and that's how much I have to pay you."
He drops the paper on the counter, $2770.17 is printed very clearly on the bill.

SG: *stupid look* "We fixed your four wheel drive as well, your transfer case was replaced. Your husband and I discussed it on the phone."

Me: "No, I was there when you spoke with him and he did NOT tell you to fix it he told you to call him back, which you never did." "Several times, you were supposed to call regarding this vehicle and you never did."

SG: "No I spoke with your..."

Me: "Call him and we will make sure"
He dials the number at my request and begins a conversation with  my husband and then hands me the phone. I discuss it also and it is determined by all parties that SG was NOT told to fix four wheel drive. I hang up the phone followed promptly by a text message from my husband that reads : "Get 'em baby!" The man knows me too well... "Well, I will pay for the repairs because you can't UNfix the damn thing but I can tell you that I don't have $2700.00, I have $2400.00, it can sit out there in the shop unti..." increasing the pitch of my voice with each vowel.

SG: "Calm down"

Me: "Calm down? Calm down? I started my morning with a pap smear and it's only gotten worse from there. I was told an amount on my vehicle and now, three weeks, three grand, pissing in a cup, a breast exam and a pap smear later, and you're going to tell ME to calm down?"
At this point I have $2400 bucks for vehicle repair OR bail money it makes me no difference.

He throws his hands up and tells me to hang on a minute and exits the front. I lean into one of the ladies at the front desk and kindly explain to her that I am a kind, gentle woman unless you mess with my kid or my money, she politely smiled and agreed.

SG: *enters the room* "Well, you say you have $2400.00?"
What part of that did he not understand? I am quite sure I made that very clear.

Me: "Yes, I am telling you that is what I have, anything else will have to be charged, billed, whatever. Or you can keep the damn thing here until next week"

SG: "Well, we can make arrangements for the balance"

Me: "Good"  In the back of my mind I am thinking, sure buddy, anything to keep me from saying pap smear again OR coming in here in person. Arrangements were made for the minor balance of $370.17 and I exit the dealership without blood shed.

Final Thought:
There are times that we have to do things that we don't want to do. I didn't want to deal with an idiot at a dealership and SG didn't want to deal with an enraged female customer with a bad attitude and an empty wallet. Everyday we do things we don't want and everyday the world still turns regardless of our reaction to it. We can do things with a smile or we can do things with a frown either way life has to happen. Because of my recent experience I can say my only advice to life is.... never, ever, ever have your vagina and your car worked on in the same day.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"Do You Have Any Questions"

Ok ladies, this blog is intended for you. Men, you should pretend to click the exit tab, but actually continue reading because it might give you just a tad of incite on what we have to go through. 

I've gone to the same gynecologist for the last 14 years and I have been totally happy with who I was using. My husband and I are now sure we do NOT want any more children and I decided on a female doctor for more of the gyno part.Though I am not real keen on adding yet ANOTHER person that can say they've seen my vagina, I feel that I am needing a change and decided on the new fancy Women Care Center.

"*** Care For Women, this is blah, blah can I help you" says this very sweet woman on the phone. "Yes, I am wanting to make a new patient appt for a yearly pap smear" I say pleasantly. "Ok, hun here's some info..." she continues to give me the web site that I am supposed to complete my patient info and submit before my appointment. "Snazzy" I think to myself, as I'm considered QUITE the techie and this will be right up my alley. I log on...

Question 1: Periods...describe, blah blah no biggie

Question 2-16: Normal gyno questions about periods, child birth and so forth, no biggie

Question 17: How many sexual partners have you had? *gasps* How does looking at my cervix and checking me for lumps have anything to do with my sexual partners OR lack thereof, I am appalled! Ok, really not "appalled" per say, but I am not comfortable telling this computer how many people I've been with, besides I'd have to call my bff for a second opinion.

Question 18: Are you sexually satisfied and if not would you like to discuss with your physician?
I faint, regain consciousness and collect myself. WHAT THE HELL!!!! First of all if I'm NOT satisfied I am going to leave my husbands contact info and you can discuss it with him, he's clearly the issue. Secondly, I just want you to check my vagina for cancer, that's all. No therapy, sex questions, condom questions. NO, just look at my lovely lady parts and I will be on my way. This has to get better...

Question 19: At what age did you become sexually active?...I lie

Question 20: Do you prefer men, women, or both? Men

Question 21: Do you understand and protect yourself from STD's? Yes, I own a shot gun and will kill the source if one is ever detected.

Question 22: Do you have multiple partners?
Ok, this is just weird, I am a married women, I have 3 kids, I don't sleep around, chase lesbians or have crotch critters. I just need a doctor to check my parts and be done where is THAT question....

Finally the last question before I log off...

Question 23: Do you find yourself sexually adequate? That's it, I'd rather try my luck at chemo...

Final Thought:

What ever happened to this being a discreet thing that women discuss in person with their doctor. I understand that we are all "comfortable with our bodies" these days and in the age of "healthy sex" thanks to Berman and Berman but here is the deal. All that "crap" and all those "questions" can be summed up at the end of the visit...after the pap is over and the paper gown is closed the Dr says "Do you have any questions?" THAT, is when I can chose to discuss my lesbian lovers herpie problem I've had since I lost my virginity at 13 with the football team" not in a 6 page interview process online...

P.S. My appointment is Friday...stay tuned!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Here goes nothing!

So, as you can see I have decided to "blog"! I am not sure how to "blog" or if it is something I can even remember to keep up with. I have a Facebook, Twitter, two e-mail accounts and now I have decided to put my A.D.D into overdrive by adding a blog! I, am a glutton for punishment.

So the title of this blog site is..."Why God Made Me Funny", which is something I have asked myself many, many times in the past. I have a gift, it's my only gift, but none the less, it's my gift...I make people laugh.
I feel that we are put on a path at birth and along this path we are to learn, meet people, strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically until God decides he wants us back...God thinks my path is funny, apparently. If it can happen, it probably has, and to me. I have the WORST luck...OR (as I like to look at it) the best "re-tell" experiences.

I started sharing some of my day to days on Facebook about a year ago and people actually "liked" them...literally! I stated getting comments and posts that told me how funny I was, it's nice to know that people were even reading it, much less liking it! I figured if people thought my one liners about swamp ass and boob sweat were funny, they would really like some of the full length stories that never make it to Facebook!

Bottom line is this...I started a blog to tell people stories to make them laugh. I don't think I am better than anyone, funnier than anyone, smarter, prettier or anything else you people can come up with. I am just me...that's all I have ever been or will ever be. I will be sharing funny stories, family moments and over using commas from here on out...I hope you all enjoy!