Saturday, September 18, 2010

Toga's and Tumors

As you are all VERY aware, I have been having some "lovely lady part" problems lately and have spent a lot of time discussing my vagina. I swear, this is not a normal thing for me. I have never had ANY problems in my 31 years of existence. I didn't even know sex made you pregnant until I was 17 years old...

Friday I had a doctors appointment scheduled, along with an ultrasound of my uterus and some blood work. My pre-arrival instructions were as follows...

1) Nothing to eat or drink after midnight on Thursday night.
2) Drink 32 oz of water before ultrasound and do not empty bladder.

Ok? So I can't have anything or I can? Drink water or have nothing to eat or drink? Why is this so difficult? I chose to continue being the over achiever I was born to be and not drink ANYTHING, I didn't even cheat when I was brushing me teeth. (Which I later informed the lab girl)

I arrive, fill out paper work, and take my seat. The nurse calls me back to the ultrasound room. It's a dark room, rather warm, a T.V. screen mounted left of the exam table and a computer screen and stool to the right. She requests I lay flat on the table and pull my pants to my pelvis. I pretty much knew what to expect with this as I have had a child and it's basically the same thing. The ultrasound was uneventful, looking at an empty uterus wasn't all that exciting. I was trying to see animals or faces in it actually, like when we look at clouds, just to make time pass. She hands me a towel and motions me to wipe off my stomach and I do. Then she turns around handing me a folded sheet and says....

"Ok, step in the restroom, empty your bladder, remove everything from the waste down and wear this sheet like a toga" I gasp. "Um, why?" I ask puzzled. "Dr. Blah Blah has ordered a trans-vag utlrasound as well, was that not discussed?" Of course, this is ME we are talking about here, of  course no one discussed it, otherwise there would be no irony, no funny story and no blog. "Nope, I knew nothing of it, I don't even know what 'trans-vag' means but I am sure I am not going to like it judging by the apparel." She smiled and apologized for the misunderstanding. I changed clothes and take my toga wearing walk of shame back to the exam table where I mount my behind.

"Bottom to the end of the table, feet in the stirrups" she says. After this is all over, if I NEVER hear that line again, it will be too soon. As I am shifting into position the ultrasound tech pulls out a "wand", and by "wand" I mean something that looks like a light saber. I am waiting for her to disguise her voice like Darth Vader at any moment. "Deep breath in" OH-MY-GOD! *blank stare* *awkward face* *butt cheeks tighten* Annnnnnnd *exhale* This women just placed a vacuum extension into my vagina, I there is no turning back. Please, please don't let this thing pulsate or vibrate or any other weird motion.

I just want to go home.

After the exam I dress, and take my seat back into the waiting room. Now, I have been violated by Mr. Light Saber and I am looking around the waiting room wondering if anyone in here can tell? Like it's written on me somewhere that I just got more action than a stripper at the Pony in the name of medicine. Why don't they tell you these things? Why wasn't I told about this "trans-vag" ultrasound, probably because I wouldn't have came back... Dr. Blah Blah-1 Jamie-0

A different nurse calls me back to a regular exam room and asks me more questions regarding my lady cha-cha and let's me know the doctor will be in momentarily, and I wait. This time Taylor Swift is playing over head through the speakers as I exam the nice diagram of the vagina, and cervix, and vulva....*knock-knock*

"Hello, sorry to keep you waiting" says that sweet smiling face of my doc. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A TRANS-VAG ULTRA SOUND IS?" I ask. She laughs and apologized again for the miscommunication. "Your pap came back normal, but there seems to be a tumor on the inside wall of your uterus" My smile fades, and I can start to hear my heart beating inside my head. "Actually, there are two and they need to be surgically removed" I know she could see panic on my face because she rolled her stool closer to me to discuss it further. "90 % of these tumors are benign, but until I can remove it and have it tested I can't be sure" I start to tear up, so I push my tongue against my teeth, someone told me that doesn't. "Ok" I answer as I take a tissue being handed to me. "We will get this scheduled as soon as possible, everything is going to be ok, I will take good care of you." I smile, as she pats my hand and I pull myself together.

I am planning to have surgery soon. They will remove the tumors and do a DNC. It should all be same-day-surgery, worst case would be and I will have a complete hysterectomy the same day and remain in the hospital for a day or so. Any further treatment options would be discussed at that time.

Final Thought: I am trying to let this effect my life as little as possible. Though I truly appreciate all the well wishes, you people know that kind of attention weirds me out. God knows what's up and I would rather all the concern go through him. For now, I have named my tumors "Jo & Angela" after the girls I work with and plan on drinking wine daily for mental health purposes. In the event of my death, Jason has been instructed to donate the $0.30 this blog has generated to the "C-Fight" Fund. Until next time....Jamie, Jo & Angela OUT!

1 comment: said...

We need to talk about this. I am so sorry. I have been caught up in my selfish bubble, and I did not read this blog. I have information that I can share which very well may provide you with some comic relief. Love, Wendy