No. More. Cancer

I decided to post a blog about my dear friend Sarah. I know several of you have followed her story through my Facebook, Twitter, and through SCARS and Bare It All on this blog. I also had a discussion with a dear friend who said "memories fade, story's get distorted but black and white is forever". I never, ever want to forget a single moment of my friendship with Sarah.
I am no where near a novelist, or author. I over use commas, and may have made grammatical errors...but these stories have been written by my heart. Sarah White wrote on my soul with her smile, love, and laughter. Here's why...

Like most of you, I am a Facebook junkie. I love reading people's drama, looking at a million pictures of the same people's kids over and over, and to stalk people who don't have a private page. (Don't judge me, I know most of you do the same thing) A couple of years ago I had been stalking "Sarah White". She was a former school mates wife that had been diagnosed with cancer. I knew they had two kids, and I knew that she was entirely too cute for Brian White. Just kidding...sorta. I also knew her prognosis wasn't good.

 I noticed that Sarah and I had a lot of mutual friends, and she had previously "liked" some wall posts I had put on a friend's wall. It was obvious she had a good sense of humor. I decided to send her a friend request...a simple friend request was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I expected to see a lot of sadness on Sarah's wall, instead, I saw bravery. I expected to see a woman that was sick and pitiful, instead I saw a sky diving diva who wore the words "I SCARE CANCER" on her diving helmet. Sarah White was NOTHING as I expected. She was what I would later find out to be one of the most extraordinary people I've ever met.   

Sarah and I began a friendship that isn't like most, and we both laughed when people would ask us how we knew each other. Our dinner dates were always to Applebee's which we both shared an uncanny love for. We would always share a Cookie Sundae and even when the chemo would chase away her appetite, she would still force down at least one bite. She was quiet and kind, I am loud and sassy. She was tiny and magnificent, I'm kinda chunky and usually bossy. Opposites attract, even in friendship.

I never treated Sarah like she had cancer, I think that was one of the things she loved about me the most. She had a HUGE support group of people who cared for her, and most of the time I let the worry come from them. For instance, no matter where we were, I would park the car away from our destination and make her walk. I'd tell her that her legs didn't have cancer, and she'd laugh and walk with a smile. When she'd take chemo and lose too much weight, I'd tell her how jealous I was of her ability to see her hip bones.  I haven't seen my hips or ribs in years. I'd bring random gifts every time I'd come to visit, and always announce "Happy Birthday" when I'd enter the room. It was my way of making up for birthday's I had missed, or maybe just knowing that every pretend birthday could be her last. I brought things like Silly String, Jelly Belly's, sexy slippers, iTunes cards, or Coke and Pop Rocks for the kids. Anything I thought would make her forget for one millisecond, that she was sick. Even one second of randomness that reminded her to smile, and laugh was always worth it. I always left her with a hug, and a reminder to kick that cancer's ass, and she'd always promise she would. She was extraordinary.

When Sarah was in STL hospital the last time, I decided I needed to see her. I figured she had been in there for several days, she could use some comic relief. I entered the room with a bag of goodies, announce "Happy Birthday" (which I'm pretty sure her Dad still thinks I should be medicated) and we laugh and talk about all the cool narcotics she's was taking. After an hour or so, I mentioned that she could use some blush or lip gloss because she looked like hell. Of course I was teasing she was radiant even battling cancer. A few minutes later she got up, with her walker, went to the sink and put on lip gloss and blush. I laughed so hard at her attempt. The next thing I know she shuffles her walker over to Brian, and gives him a kiss. Laughingly, he asks her what she's doing, and as she started back to bed, she says with a wink "no since in wasting all this hotness"...THAT was our Sarah. THAT is why we love her so much.

Through our friendship Sarah taught me several things:

Never give up. Ever.
Even on her death bed, she fought until her last breath.

Being afraid is okay.
Sarah wasn't afraid of dying. Sarah was afraid of leaving everyone behind. She knew she was our rock. She knew her C-Fight attitude and super brilliant smile was the glue that kept her family, friends and everyone who loved her together. She knew, even in the end, that she radiated strength that we all soaked up from her.

Never take one single second for granted.
She lived life. Even when the fractures in her spine from the massive tumors would leave her in intense pain, if she could bare ONE more minute in the floor with her children, she would stay in that floor.

Never go into battle without the power of prayer.
Sarah never made religion "cheesy", she made it real. Her relationship with God was real. When I was so angry and asked her how God could take her from us, she smiled and told me "he has something better lined out for me." That's faith. I picture her in heaven eating Peachy-O's, telling on me for cheating on Words With Friends, and telling others how wonderful her life was. Sarah was the most positive person I've ever met. God knew she was too good for this earth for long. I agree.

You CAN drink beer while on chemo.
I argued this with her on my birthday last year when we were in STL, I said "no", Sarah said "watch me". We toasted my 32nd birthday together.


Sarah White left this world on January 23, 2012. After years of fighting, rounds of chemo, pain, surgery after surgery, procedures, stitches, staples, medicine and fractured bones from tumors growing into her spine.
Sarah White won. She won her battle with cancer.
She crossed the finish line of life beaten, battered, bruised and exhausted at the throne of God...Sarah White left this world all used up. She won.

This is what I posted the day of Sarah's funeral, and I still feel the same:

I'm not saying goodbye to Sarah, I'm saying goodbye to her tiny, cancer ridden body.  I'm saying goodbye to her cancer, her tumors, the chemo, and medications. I'm not burying my friend, I'm burying her sadness, pain, and suffering. My Sarah isn't dead, her body is dead. My Sarah is alive, she is alive in my heart, and the hearts of everyone who loved her. Her touch on my life and her impact on my soul is alive and well.

I love you Sarah, save me a seat. I'll bring the lip gloss.  

No. More. Cancer

Toga's and Tumors

As you are all VERY aware, I have been having some "lovely lady part" problems lately and have spent a lot of time discussing my vagina. I swear, this is not a normal thing for me. I have never had ANY problems in my 31 years of existence. I didn't even know sex made you pregnant until I was 17 years old...

Friday I had a doctors appointment scheduled, along with an ultrasound of my uterus and some blood work. My pre-arrival instructions were as follows...

1) Nothing to eat or drink after midnight on Thursday night.
2) Drink 32 oz of water before ultrasound and do not empty bladder.

Ok? So I can't have anything or I can? Drink water or have nothing to eat or drink? Why is this so difficult? I chose to continue being the over achiever I was born to be and not drink ANYTHING, I didn't even cheat when I was brushing me teeth. (Which I later informed the lab girl)


I arrive, fill out paper work, and take my seat. The nurse calls me back to the ultrasound room. It's a dark room, rather warm, a T.V. screen mounted left of the exam table and a computer screen and stool to the right. She requests I lay flat on the table and pull my pants to my pelvis. I pretty much knew what to expect with this as I have had a child and it's basically the same thing. The ultrasound was uneventful, looking at an empty uterus wasn't all that exciting. I was trying to see animals or faces in it actually, like when we look at clouds, just to make time pass. She hands me a towel and motions me to wipe off my stomach and I do. Then she turns around handing me a folded sheet and says....

"Ok, step in the restroom, empty your bladder, remove everything from the waste down and wear this sheet like a toga" I gasp. "Um, why?" I ask puzzled. "Dr. Blah Blah has ordered a trans-vag utlrasound as well, was that not discussed?" Of course, this is ME we are talking about here, of  course no one discussed it, otherwise there would be no irony, no funny story and no blog. "Nope, I knew nothing of it, I don't even know what 'trans-vag' means but I am sure I am not going to like it judging by the apparel." She smiled and apologized for the misunderstanding. I changed clothes and take my toga wearing walk of shame back to the exam table where I mount my behind.

"Bottom to the end of the table, feet in the stirrups" she says. After this is all over, if I NEVER hear that line again, it will be too soon. As I am shifting into position the ultrasound tech pulls out a "wand", and by "wand" I mean something that looks like a light saber. I am waiting for her to disguise her voice like Darth Vader at any moment. "Deep breath in" OH-MY-GOD! *blank stare* *awkward face* *butt cheeks tighten* Annnnnnnd *exhale* This women just placed a vacuum extension into my vagina, I there is no turning back. Please, please don't let this thing pulsate or vibrate or any other weird motion.

I just want to go home.


After the exam I dress, and take my seat back into the waiting room. Now, I have been violated by Mr. Light Saber and I am looking around the waiting room wondering if anyone in here can tell? Like it's written on me somewhere that I just got more action than a stripper at the Pony in the name of medicine. Why don't they tell you these things? Why wasn't I told about this "trans-vag" ultrasound, probably because I wouldn't have came back... Dr. Blah Blah-1 Jamie-0

A different nurse calls me back to a regular exam room and asks me more questions regarding my lady cha-cha and let's me know the doctor will be in momentarily, and I wait. This time Taylor Swift is playing over head through the speakers as I exam the nice diagram of the vagina, and cervix, and vulva....*knock-knock*

"Hello, sorry to keep you waiting" says that sweet smiling face of my doc. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A TRANS-VAG ULTRA SOUND IS?" I ask. She laughs and apologized again for the miscommunication. "Your pap came back normal, but there seems to be a tumor on the inside wall of your uterus" My smile fades, and I can start to hear my heart beating inside my head. "Actually, there are two and they need to be surgically removed" I know she could see panic on my face because she rolled her stool closer to me to discuss it further. "90 % of these tumors are benign, but until I can remove it and have it tested I can't be sure" I start to tear up, so I push my tongue against my teeth, someone told me that works....it doesn't. "Ok" I answer as I take a tissue being handed to me. "We will get this scheduled as soon as possible, everything is going to be ok, I will take good care of you." I smile, as she pats my hand and I pull myself together.


I am planning to have surgery soon. They will remove the tumors and do a DNC. It should all be same-day-surgery, worst case would be and I will have a complete hysterectomy the same day and remain in the hospital for a day or so. Any further treatment options would be discussed at that time.

Final Thought: I am trying to let this effect my life as little as possible. Though I truly appreciate all the well wishes, you people know that kind of attention weirds me out. God knows what's up and I would rather all the concern go through him. For now, I have named my tumors "Jo & Angela" after the girls I work with and plan on drinking wine daily for mental health purposes. In the event of my death, Jason has been instructed to donate the $0.30 this blog has generated to the "C-Fight" Fund. Until next time....Jamie, Jo & Angela OUT!