(If this is the first time you have read this blog, "Jo & Angela" are referring to the names of my uterine tumors....because everyone names their tumors right?)
I finished my blog and then went off to my bed with my trusty iPhone in hand to "tweet" the night away. I let my fellow "Tweeps" comfort me by talking about how much their lives suck...they totally rock at that! I decide to call it a night so I take the TWO pills prescribed by Dr. Blah Blah at bedtime. The prescription read: Take two pills, with food, at bedtime. No problem, I took the two pills with some crackers and milk and drifted off to sleep.
Apparently I was resting well, because the next thing I remember was my mind waking me up saying "HEY, WAKE UP, YOU ARE SHITTING ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!" My mind was right. I race to the bathroom, clenching my cheeks and attempting to form a thought as I had been jolted into consciousness by my bowels. I sit down and I am seriously thinking I could die at this point. I pooped like I have NEVER pooped before in my life. I am talking sweat popping, leg shaking, toilet water splashing, poop. I pray..."Dear God, I am supposed to have surgery in *looks at clock* 3 hours, please don't let me die here on this pot."
I manage to stop crapping long enough to get my iPhone and pill bottle and I go back to the pot and do what any iPhone user would do, I google that shit and see if I am one of those rare side effect people that need to seek medical attention immediately. Unfortunately, no. The medication given to me to "soften my cervix" is also a medication for CHRONIC and SEVERE constipation. I poop, and poop, and poop. Then I poop some more. About an hours worth of colon cleansing and I am finally able to lay down and go back to sleep for a few hours.
Morning arrives again, and I get ready for the big day. Ok, so it was a same day surgery, but it was BIG to me. I get to the hospital and I am taken back to the pre-op area when I kindly ask Dr. Blah Blah's nurse if she realizes that they prescribed me a "SHIT MY GUTS OUT UNTIL I THOUGHT MY RECTUM WOULD EXPLODE" pill. She was familiar with the side effects...of course, this is the humor, the irony, the Jamie-Esq of life. Ehhhhhhhhh
I.V. is started, medication given, time for a photo op...
of an I.V. pole? Sorry I was wonky....
Apparently I actually HAVE the surgery but honestly I don't have any idea, according to the bill, that is a definite! I wake up with a nurse on each side of me, I want a Diet Mountain Dew and I want it now. I have one waiting for me once I am cleared from recovery. Dr. Blah Blah had told my husband everything went wonderfully, and that everything "looked" fine. The tumors were sent off to pathology and I would have a follow up appt in two weeks.
Left: "Endometrial masses" in question.
Right: Mass free, post DNC.
Recovery for me was pretty easy. My doctor said I could have up to two weeks off, I took off 3 days. My A.D.D and O.C.D would NOT allow me to sit in the bed ONE MORE DAY! Day time T.V. still sucks and I have 400-ish channels. Here is what being home during the work week has taught me...
1) Rachel Ray stopped cooking and has a "talk show", stop it Rachel, just stop it.
2) Barbara Walters is STILL alive.
3) Apparently Bob Barker has been eaten by Drew Carey as he is now the host of "The Price Is Right".
I had minimal pain, just some cramping and very light bleeding ( I know you men don't care, but it's MY blog and I'll type what I want). Everything went pretty smoothly and I got lots of "surgery presents" and treats brought to me by family and friends. Well, friends...my Dad brought wine, he loves me the most, clearly.
Fast forward two more weeks and yesterday I go to the FINAL check up. I do what any nervous woman does, Tweet, and take pictures of myself.
Look! My halo...
I really thought I was doing pretty good hiding the fact that I was REALLY, REALLY tired of people looking at my vagina. I even told the front desk lady that, though she was charming and wonderful, I really hoped I wouldn't be seeing them again after this appointment.
I'm lead back by the nurse and as she walks me into the room I stop her. "Oh, I am in the wrong room?" I explain. *Puzzled look by the nurse* I point at the gown laying on the exam table. "I am just here for a follow up." I say confidently. "Dr. Blah Blah does a pelvic on all her post-ops so I'll need you to undress from the waist down."she says smiling. "WHY is it that I NEVER know what is going to happen to me here? You would think you people could give a little heads up? Do you know what a trans-vag ultrasound is?" I was a little irritated and she started to interrupt me, she failed. "What if I had decided NOT to wash my ass today? I DID wash my ass today, but what if today I just hadn't had time...." She laughed, (SHE wasn't doing the exam) and apologized. Once again I get naked, and once again Dr. Blah Blah works her magic on mah lady parts. This time though she tells me everything came back NEGATIVE!!!! NO CANCER!!!! They were a couple of polyps, and I didn't have to come back until my pap next year. Thank God! I could have done cart wheels, well, as soon as I put my drawers back on. It's finally O-V-E-R!
Sometimes I guess God gives us little reminders of how precious life can really be. This experience has done several things for me.
1) Reminded me how strong of a woman I am.
2) Reminded me HOW many people really love me.
3) How many people really don't care one way or the other about me.
4) There are good people in this world and 99% of them live in my home town.
I have a very small family, but a HUGE friend-family that has taken care of me mentally, emotionally and physically through this ordeal. I hope that in some way, someday I can thank each and every one of you in a special and personal way, because without you all "Cancer Scare 2010" could have been so much worse. Now, let's all pray I NEVER, EVER, EVER have to talk about my vagina or it's contents EVER again!